The Dating Files: Clueless
Posted on | September 7, 2012 | 11 Comments
So even though the most recent Dating Files post I wrote was on “What I Want,” these days I’m feeling more lost than ever in that department. The truth is I don’t have a clue what I want. I can’t commit to buying a record player or signing a one year lease. How will I ever commit to a relationship again? The truth is, as a friend recently put it, I have been through the ringer when it comes to relationships. And once you have been so very wrong about people and relationships and where to invest your love, you start doubting yourself. You get a little nervous about doing it all over again. Sometimes I feel like the older I get the less sure I am about what I want. Which is terrifying. You hope that as the months and years go by you’ll gain some sort of clarity and it’ll all become so obvious. But that hasn’t happened.
In the past few months I’ve considered buying an apartment here in New York. My lease is up at the end of this month so I thought I’d make a change. I thought about buying in a few different areas of Brooklyn, and recently considered buying in my beloved West Village. It scares the ever loving bejesus out of me. It’s such a commitment and such a huge decision and one that you will be paying for and dealing with for many, many years. So I lost my nerve, I backed down. I decided to just move to Brooklyn and rent and then I lost my nerve again. My final plan was to move apartment within the West Village and I couldn’t even pull the trigger on that. So here I am, after all of that, staying put in my same apartment delaying any decision making about buying vs. renting and Brooklyn vs. Manhattan for another six months.
The money and the time and the commitment of buying an apartment only makes sense if it’s something you really, really want. But, what do you do when you have absolutely no idea what you want? And although this is about my NYC living situation, I feel like it mirrors my dating life. I’ve met plenty of nice boys just like I’ve seen plenty of nice apartments. But I was always left with the thought that there might be something better out there.
The truth is, I don’t know what I want. And I’m not sure that I’ll ever figure it out. But what I can do, and what I plan to do, is to keep looking (for a nice boy and a nice apartment) and hopefully I’ll find one of each. And it won’t matter what I want anymore because I’ll know that I’ve found it.
So tell me. Am I getting more or less crazy?
xo and happy weekend.
Amy
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11 Responses to “The Dating Files: Clueless”
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September 7th, 2012 @ 4:34 pm
I’ve dealt with tremendous heartbreak and the lost of just about every thing in my life (material or otherwise) because of it. I’ve learned a lot from that experience, but the most important thing I learned is:
Know Thyself.
I believe if you have a clear idea of who you, as a person, are (not necessarily what you want, but what your needs are and knowing what you can and can’t do (or compromise to) and always staying in touch with yourself), having to leave a situation is less hard. If you keep investing in yourself, then buying a house and deciding it’s not the right fit, or getting into a relationship that isn’t right, is a lot easier to leave/get out of. You’re not starting at Square One trying to figure out who you are. You already know, and it’s easier to learn a lesson from all of it. (If this makes any sense at all.)
The only thing that cannot be broken/left is the love and “obligation” to your children. Everything else is vulnerable. Divorces happen and houses are bought/sold every day. While it’s sad to think about, it’s also liberating to know that if the situation doesn’t work for you anymore, you can change it.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t hesitate to buy an apartment or get into a relationship, because there is always a way out to something better.
September 7th, 2012 @ 4:43 pm
@Deanna – Your comments always leave me floored. They are so thoughtful and wise. This one is no exception. You are absolutely right. Spot on, my friend. Nothing is permanent (except the kids thing) and anything can be undone. And a fear of that possible undoing (a breakup or realizing you don’t like where you live) is a terrible reason to avoid trying to find a relationship or buy an apartment. I guess what I’m saying is…you’re a freaking genius?
September 7th, 2012 @ 4:52 pm
Amy, I hear you. Having just separated from my husband of five years and being somewhat commitment-phobic anyway, I’m right there with ya. I try to keep in mind that I’m not as fragile as I tend to think; I’ve got a lot of elastic in me. This helps when I’m afraid that I’m about to screw up my life in a non-erasable way. The chances that we’ll end up okay are pretty high.
I’m digging John Steinbeck’s quote, spotted on Hip Hip Gin Gin, “And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” cause that takes a lot of the pressure off.
I think you should jump when you’re ready…go for good rather than perfect! Any woman who can go on the surfing trip you went on is totally capable of making a good home decision. just sayin.
September 7th, 2012 @ 4:57 pm
@Janna – Jeez. Another insightful comment. I am so sorry to hear of your recent separation. But yes, you are so right. We are all so much stronger than we realize. And it takes those tough times to remind us of that. And having that knowledge is pretty awesome. Also, love the quote. Also, sending you a virtual hug/bottle of rosé.
September 7th, 2012 @ 9:30 pm
Been there chica (the whole dating uncertainty). I’m a lists person, so I say make a list of everything you DON’T want out of a guy or relationship. Don’t make an insanely long one, just jot down the real dealbreakers. Then on another sheet write the complete opposite of each of things you wrote on the other list, and this should give you an idea of your MUST HAVES. This lists need to be taken with a grain of salt though because as we all know CHEMISTRY is the usually the deciding factor. Happy Weekend!
September 7th, 2012 @ 9:33 pm
UGH…sorry for my mishmash comment, but you get the point. ciao ciao.
September 7th, 2012 @ 10:57 pm
Amy – you are too sweet. I’m not so sure that I’m “wise” as much as I really like to run my mouth
Have a good weekend my dear. You are the only person who knows what is right for you, so whatever you decide, it is right!! xoxo.
September 8th, 2012 @ 6:32 pm
It’s been awhile since I’ve visited your blog but, having seen your CV, it is apparent that you are so amazing and talented. Sheesh! I think Deanna nailed it and I wouldn’t sweat it. Go with your gut instincts. Remember that solitude can be very productive and don’t confuse that with loneliness. Studies have shown (I work at a school) that kids who are idle (have nothing scheduled every minute of the day) are actually more creative. No matter your faith tradition – if any at all – just take what comes your way as a learning experience and use that as a basis for using your instincts to go forward. Clear as mud?!
September 8th, 2012 @ 6:45 pm
@The Savory and The Beautiful – What is it about lists? They are so very therapeutic! Yes, I will do just that.
@Suse – Ha. Couldn’t agree more about solitude. It’s a lovely thing.
September 14th, 2012 @ 12:44 pm
Stopping by from Molly’s blog (and glad I clicked through). I can see you have smart readers/friends. A year ago I combined the relationship/house commitment into one–after being horribly wrong about relationship earlier in my life. (Let’s be honest: most of my life.) It required a leap of faith in my gut to make that move. (Because my head was only telling me all the reasons I shouldn’t.) It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been good. The only reason it’s good is that I want–deep down in every part of me–for this to work and be right. If you aren’t feeling it in your gut and wanting it wholly (whatever “it” is), I think you’re smart to hold back right now. The time will come when you’ll know. The beautiful thing about strength (like beauty) is that it comes in lots of different shapes and sizes. Sometimes it can look like weakness, if you’re viewing it from the wrong angle.
September 14th, 2012 @ 5:56 pm
@Rita – Thanks for stopping by. Yes you are very astute, I have fantastic readers and friends. Your comment came just as I was thinking about doing something because I “should” versus because” I want to. And I’ll take it as a sign from the universe that I shouldn’t do anything unless I definitely, absolutely, 100% want to.