Things I Am Afraid To Tell You

Posted on | May 29, 2012 | 39 Comments

In the past month or so, our little corner of the internet has been blowing up with posts from blogger’s who are bravely baring their souls in a movement called Things I Am Afraid To Tell You. The story began when Jess Constable, who writes the blog Makeunder My Life, revealed a series of personal things that she was afraid to share with her readers. Then Ez of Creature Comforts turned this thing into a full blown movement. People have been sharing all sorts of fears and insecurities and all kinds of things that don’t typically show up on our blogs.

I fancy myself a pretty open person, but there is a gap between my real life and the life that I present here. Sometimes things get edited out. Or gussied up. And sometimes I just talk about pretty or silly things. Because sometimes that’s just easier. But seeing and reading the first and the second rounds of these posts was inspiring. I found myself wanting to bare my soul, too. So when Leslie asked me if I wanted to participate in the next round of posts, I agreed. And then I immediately regretted agreeing because I had no idea what I would say or how I would say it. But, there’s fifteen of us posting today and I knew that meant I couldn’t back out (even though I kinda wanted to).

So here goes.

Things I Am Afraid to Tell You: 

I think for the most part I’m a fairly happy, together and grounded lady. I try to focus on the positive things in my life and pay attention to being happy in the every day. But I’m not always happy. I act like I’m an optimist but there is a strong thread of pessimism that runs through me. It’s an interesting breed of pessimism though because it’s only directed at me. So while I believe generally that good things happen and that things work out for the best for everyone else, it doesn’t apply to me. And the the truth is I spend too much time being scared.

I’m scared that I’ll never meet the right man for me. Or that I’ve already met him and I didn’t realize it. Or that I’m looking for the wrong things. Or that he lives on the other side of the world. No matter the reason I’m sort of convinced I’m just one of those unlucky people who will end up alone. And it terrifies me. Because even though I’m a pretty independent person, I’d still really like to find someone to share my life with. And maybe it won’t happen.

I’m scared that I’ll never get the chance to have children. And I’d really like to do that and I think I would be good at it. And I sort of hate Facebook now because all it is is baby after baby and while I’m individually excited and happy for everyone, when you put all those babies together in one place it’s like one big baby faced punch to my sad uterus. And sometimes it makes my heart hurt. So I don’t look at Facebook too much because I find myself having feelings of envy and I don’t want to be that person.

I’m scared that all the weight I’ve lost will instantly come back if I eat pizza or skip the gym for a day. I’m scared that I’ll never be fully happy with my body. And I’m scared that I’ll always feel like the fat girl.

I’m scared that I’m making all the wrong choices. And that maybe I’ll never have the happy, settled life of love and family and laughter that I want.

In case that wasn’t enough, here’s some more crazy: I smoke cigarettes. I drink too much. I’m kind of lazy. I never call people back. I haven’t cleaned my fridge in two years. I never wash my duvet cover. I pay for a New York Times subscription that I hardly ever read. I really want people to like me. And I spend a disgusting amount of money on new clothes and I should donate (a lot) more to charity.

So there you have it. Just a wee bit of crazy around here. Be sure to go visit the other brave souls who posted today, as well.

And, as always, thanks for reading. xo

Jill at Terra Savvy | Erica at The Elbow | Jen at Taking Off the Mask | Kate at Modern Home Modern Baby | Laura at My So Called Sensory Life | Monique at Razing Mayhem | Caroline at Salsa Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Tammie at Tam.Me | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Michelle at Early Mama | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and Letters

 

Comments

39 Responses to “Things I Am Afraid To Tell You”

  1. Things I’m Afraid to Tell You
    May 29th, 2012 @ 4:10 pm

    […] Amy at Old Sweet Song |Caroline at Salsa Pie | Erica at The Elbow | Jen at Jen Epting | Jen at Taking Off the Mask | Kate at Modern Home Modern Baby | Laura at My So Called Sensory Life |Leslie at Life in Every Limb | Leslie at Lights and Letters | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Michelle at Early Mama | Monique at Razing Mayhem | Sarah at SAWK Photography | Tammie at Tam.Me | […]

  2. T
    May 29th, 2012 @ 4:17 pm

    Well, here’s a wee fact for you. You are perfect and extraordinary. So there’s that.

  3. Amy@OldSweetSong
    May 29th, 2012 @ 4:20 pm

    @T – Make me cry why don’t you? (xo time one million) Also, I wonder if you are tiiiiiiiny bit biased. Just the teensiest little bit.

  4. Things I Am Afraid to Tell You « Life in Every Limb
    May 29th, 2012 @ 4:26 pm

    […] at Salsa Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Tammie at Tam.Me | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Michelle at Early Mama | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and Letters| Sarah at SAWK […]

  5. Kristy
    May 29th, 2012 @ 4:28 pm

    “…one big baby faced punch to my sad uterus…” Ha! Yes. Hilariously/sadly I can relate.

    (Also, I subscribe to The New Yorker, because I want to be the sort of person who reads The New Yorker. But I don’t. I just hang on to each issue for about 6 months, before tossing it into the recycling bin. Terrible!)

  6. 7 Things I’m Afraid To Tell You
    May 29th, 2012 @ 4:32 pm

    […] at Salsa Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Tammie at Tam.Me | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and […]

  7. Brandi {not your average ordinary}
    May 29th, 2012 @ 5:07 pm

    Do you think one of the reasons that I adore you so much is because we have all these secret things freakishly in common? I could have written this post (except the part about babies — I don’t know if I want any and that I’m not afraid to admit, though I do get sick of all the baby baby baby photos out there).

  8. Leslie
    May 29th, 2012 @ 5:13 pm

    I just met you and I totally love you already. All those things in the more crazy paragraph? Me, me and me. I have a house cleaner though. SHE cleans my fridge. You think your man might be on the other side of the world? Guess you aught to be booking some travel my friend. Go find him! You will KNOW when you meet him, because he will make you feel amazing ALL THE TIME. xoxo

  9. jennifer
    May 29th, 2012 @ 5:33 pm

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while (I just stumbled across it I don’t know how) and I have always liked you but I after reading this I like you even more. You’re awesome just keep being you!

  10. things i’m afraid to tell you… | tam.me.
    May 29th, 2012 @ 6:03 pm

    […] Mayhem | Caroline at Salsa Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Michelle at Early Mama | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and Letters Pin It afraid to […]

  11. Amy@OldSweetSong
    May 29th, 2012 @ 6:23 pm

    @Kristy – I can’t even muster the courage to buy a New Yorker. I guess I just know that would be a colossal failure in every way.
    @Brandi – I guess we’re the same brand of crazy. Makes me feel better!
    @Leslie – I feel too guilty to get a cleaning lady. And yes, I am trying to find him. I love how you put that “he will make you feel amazing all of the time.” I often ask people about their relationships and how the knew their husband was The One. Nobody has ever put it like that, and that’s going to be my new guideline. xo

  12. Amy@OldSweetSong
    May 29th, 2012 @ 6:24 pm

    @Jennifer – Thank you! Glad to know my specific brand of crazy isn’t causing me to lose you as a reader.

  13. Mandy
    May 29th, 2012 @ 7:44 pm

    Oh my gosh, I’m almost in tears because reading that sounded pretty much exactly like me. I’m also kind of convinced that I’ll just never meet the right guy. The baby thing rings true too (though right now it’s mostly my FB friends all posting their happy engagement/wedding stuff all over the place. Ugh.).

    Anyway, I wish I had something more productive to say, but lady, you are not alone! :)

  14. Nicole
    May 29th, 2012 @ 8:50 pm

    I like you, Amy. Even more after reading this. Even a LOT! :)

  15. Nicole A
    May 29th, 2012 @ 9:34 pm

    Brava to you for posting this! It’s so refreshing to realize that everyone has a little crazy somewhere in them. This series is really great in putting things into perspective for everyone.

    And if I lived in NY, I’d so totally hang out, be lazy, and drink too much with you. And avoid all the baby pics out there. :) Keep being awesome, Amy, cuz you make a lot of people who don’t even know you like you with each and every post!

  16. natalie @ The SoHo
    May 29th, 2012 @ 10:16 pm

    Thanks for being honest and inspiring and awesome. I hate Facebook too. It just causes me to have life jealousy.

  17. Amy@OldSweetSong
    May 29th, 2012 @ 11:23 pm

    @Nicole- aw. thanks, lady. that means a whole lot. (p.s. how were them radishes?)

  18. Amy@OldSweetSong
    May 29th, 2012 @ 11:23 pm

    @natalie – should we quit Facebook? maybe not but we SHOULD discuss how much we hate it over a couple glasses of wine.

  19. Monique
    May 30th, 2012 @ 12:38 am

    Yep. I pay to keep my subscription to Time Out New York current – I haven’t lived in New York City for almost 3 years. I’m nostalgic like that, but it’s expensive and probably irritates everyone since I can’t bring myself to even read them, ha!
    Happy to be participating in this round with you. :)

  20. Jen
    May 30th, 2012 @ 1:16 am

    Gah! I too have a secret fear that if I’m not keeping a strict eye on what I’m eating, my body is some kind of fat-attraction-machine that will immediately start increasing by 10lbs a week. (Guess I’m sharing on OTHER people’s blogs now!)

    Love the list, love the blog. High five, fellow round three-er! :)

  21. Jill V / TerraSavvy
    May 30th, 2012 @ 2:38 am

    Love your list and so glad you did this round with me!!

    I agree with Natalie – I dislike Facebook for making people fee bad! Blah!

    xo

  22. Leslie
    May 30th, 2012 @ 2:49 am

    Hugs, Amy. I feel for you about the FB babies. I have kids, but wanted another one and had a miscarriage. It was a long time before I wanted to be around babies. And I felt guilty to be that person who was jealous of other people’s happiness. We’ve only lived here about eight months, and I’ve never cleaned the fridge. If it ever does get cleaned it will be because I paid someone.

    P.S. I love the name and idea of your blog and plan to come back and visit.

  23. jen {miss pickles press}
    May 30th, 2012 @ 5:18 am

    first of all, hats off for showing your crazy. we all have crazy. in fact, we share some of the same crazies.

    BUT, ummm. i have to chime in on something. no disrespect to leslie of course, but if you are looking for a man that will make you feel amazing all the time – hate to break it to ya toots – you’ll always be disappointed. relationships never seem like “enough” because of that easy tendency to rely on your mate for your happiness. we all do it. and that’s not to say that your mate should not bring you massive amounts of it, but i’d caution against the “amazing” rule of thumb because you know, that’s just not real life, and it’s a standard that’s impossible to sustain on a day-in-and-day-out basis.

    things i expect daily from my husband? respect. kindness. thoughtfulness. foot rubs on the sofa when we’re watching telly. an ear and a shoulder if i need it. a clean kitchen if i cook and vice versa. a kiss good morning and a kiss goodnight, and some in between. someone that loves me madly despite my imperfections. these things aren’t too much to ask for. amazingness all the time is.

    girlfriend, your man is out there. worrying where he is doesn’t bring him closer or make it happen faster. easier said than done, i know, but take it from me. i didn’t marry until i was 34 and i asked myself the same questions and had some pretty lame dates over the years. i dated a dude for, like, eight months that literally gives me the shivers now when i think of him. bless my heart.

    how about this: make yourself feel amazing. because you are. and rest easy! your man is looking for you, too.

  24. Laura Rossi Totten
    May 30th, 2012 @ 10:26 am

    Bravo! Great list and great post! I love your ending and applaud you for being so transparent with all of us today “I smoke cigarettes. I drink too much. I’m kind of lazy. I never call people back. I haven’t cleaned my fridge in two years. I never wash my duvet cover. I pay for a New York Times subscription that I hardly ever read. I really want people to like me. And I spend a disgusting amount of money on new clothes and I should donate (a lot) more to charity.” Laura My So Called Sensory Life and Huff Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-rossi-totten/things-im-afraid-to-tell-you_b_1553773.html

  25. melissa
    May 30th, 2012 @ 12:31 pm

    Oh, the facebook babies. Except I don’t necessarily want them for myself when I see them. I sort of feel like I’m falling behind though. I am 30, about to turn 31, and many high school friends and acquaintances are having or have just had their first. They weren’t an early baby bunch, but everyone seems to be ready right about now. My husband and I went from deciding last year to start trying for our first one right about now to deciding to wait until I’m 34 or 35 to have our one and only child. If I’m totally honest, I am afraid to tell anyone that I worry I will resent them if I have children. There’s so much I want to do without kids, you know?

  26. Amy@OldSweetSong
    May 30th, 2012 @ 1:22 pm

    @jen – You are wise. Oh so wise. I do work hard at making myself feel amazing! And I am damn good at it. But you’re right, someone out there is looking for me too.

  27. Amy@OldSweetSong
    May 30th, 2012 @ 2:24 pm

    @Laura – thank you! for everything!

    @melissa – I think you are doing and feeling all of the right things. You are smart to wait. As someone once said to me, there is plenty of time to be old and sit around with your kids. And I think part of what happens is that people feel all this pressure because it’s what everyone else is doing. And I have fallen prey to that as well. But I applaud you for making your own decision to do what feels right for y’all. xo

  28. Jen
    May 30th, 2012 @ 5:21 pm

    You’re awesome! I found my husband when I threw in the towel and stopped looking for a decent guy. He found me! (Not that I was aggressively looking before that. LOL!) It will happen when the time is right! Thanks for sharing. ~Jen

  29. Maggie
    May 30th, 2012 @ 6:12 pm

    I liked your version of this exponentially more than any of the others I’ve seen. You are a gem.

  30. Sal
    May 30th, 2012 @ 8:23 pm

    You are very brave for sharing the things that frighten you. You also are beautiful, smart, talented, personable, and funny. I believe things will work out for you and you will have the loving family that you want. It may take time and it may look a little different than what you are anticipating but someone with as much love as you have will always be surrounded by love.
    Now as to the NY Times subscription – I am still paying for it as well so perhaps we should chat about this because I doubt you are getting two papers.

  31. Things I’m Afraid to Tell You » SAWK Photography
    May 30th, 2012 @ 9:27 pm

    […] Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Tammie at Tam.Me | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Michelle at Early Mama | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and Letters Posted in SAWK […]

  32. Dottie's Daughter
    May 31st, 2012 @ 12:08 am

    Amy, everyone is afraid of something! And it’s 2012. You don’t a husband to have a child. You go around once and I think you’re doing a great job of using the whole box of crayons. Be yourself and things will all turn out okay.

  33. Amy@OldSweetSong
    May 31st, 2012 @ 2:09 pm

    @Sal – Uhoh. I renewed it and switched it to my credit card. Or so I thought. Perhaps we’ll take this conversation offline.

    @Dottie’s Daughter – Thank you! And you’re right. I love the “whole box of crayons” analogy. I’m going to keep trying to do that.

  34. Kate
    May 31st, 2012 @ 5:25 pm

    Love that you threw in a bunch of “crazy” at the end. I hope that getting this out into the world is going to help you integrate the crazy with the not crazy…because we’re all a little of both. And I think @jen is right about your man. It’s not so much about finding the “right” one as being the “right one.

  35. erin
    June 1st, 2012 @ 3:38 pm

    welp, now that i know you have an unwashed duvet, guess i can’t keep on reading.

    jkjkjk!

    glad to read your honest account. i’m scurred a lot, too. drink to that?

  36. SAWK
    June 3rd, 2012 @ 8:01 pm

    Holy shit, I think we are the same person.

  37. Amy
    June 4th, 2012 @ 7:55 pm

    I’ve always loved your blog because of the little bits of raw honesty you let creep out. I love it even more when that same honesty comes at me at a full stampede.

    Also, I watched Good Will Hunting this week which a) caused me to buy a pack of cigarettes and b) reminded me how much I love the scene where Robin Williams talks about his dead wife and loving the idiosyncrasies about her personality. So, fart away, Amy. People love your idiosyncrasies too. :)

  38. things i’m afraid to tell you… | tammie bennett illustration + surface design
    June 5th, 2012 @ 6:51 pm

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  39. Things I am afraid to tell you | Pencil Shavings Studio
    August 13th, 2013 @ 1:04 am

    […] Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Tammie at Tam.Me | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Michelle at Early Mama | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and Letters  | Sarah at […]

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